The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
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my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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