Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
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I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
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