all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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