What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
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you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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