I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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