fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
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Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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