I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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