Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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