I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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