You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
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When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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