you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
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well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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