I got chris browned last night
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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