jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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