I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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