I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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