I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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