you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
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Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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