Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
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High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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