you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
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No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
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i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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