6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
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I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
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I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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