All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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