walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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