I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
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He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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