I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
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So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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