Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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