booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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