Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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