I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
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she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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