Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
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I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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