We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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