I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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