Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
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You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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