If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
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You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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