I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
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when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We had to coat check the pizza.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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