Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize