There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
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The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
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The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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