I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize