walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
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i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
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What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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