just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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