I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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