I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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