You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
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Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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