I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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