i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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