i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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