Betty ford says i'm here all night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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