One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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