Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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