he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
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He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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