Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
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For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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